What I’m doing

For the first time in my life I’m going to be 100% honest in my writing.  I’ve never done this before, and while that may seem crazy let me explain.  

Growing up I had an extremely controlling mother which resulted in ZERO privacy.  She snooped through everything I had.  She would go through my room, closet, dresser, look under my bed, between the mattress & boxspring, if you could think of a place to hid something, she would look there.  Because of this I couldn’t keep a diary or journal.  I tried a few times but she would find it and read it, then I’d get punished for thinking or feeling a certain way that she didn’t agree with and she would use my innermost thoughts against me.  It took me a while to realize what was going on, and once I did I started to keep a fake journal, writing in it things that she would want to read.  

Unfortunately because of all this I’ve never been able to be 100% completely honest with anything I write.  Writing anything down was dangerous, it left me exposed, and there was proof of what was going on in my mind.  For years I’ve wanted to write, but I’d find myself writing bullshit, writing to try and impress some imaginary being who might read what I wrote one day.  I’d be afraid to write the truth because I would be exposing who a person really was, and God Forbid someone might find out your not the perfect person you are supposed to present yourself to be.   I know it’s sick and twisted, but this is all part of the damage that a narcissistic person can do to you. The damage, no matter how much time passes, stays with you and it haunts you in ways you wouldn’t even realize.

So now I’m putting it all out there, writing, being vulnerable, being honest, and really for the first time being me.  It’s going to be a cluster of the randomness and craziness that is my life.  Everything from my love of plants, my crazy dogs, the insanity of being a mom to two teenage girls, or rants about whatever has annoyed me that particular day.  I’m also going to write about my journey through bariatric surgery.  So, yeah, there will be a bunch of randomness, but that me.